3 reasons why loss is an inevitable experience of life

“The fear of loss will always feel far more intense than the experience of loss itself.”

With this awareness, what would you choose? Fear or experience?

As I write this I notice my body instantly questioning if there really is a choice.

Why would anyone want to choose the experience of loss over just feeling the fear?
Surely none of us wants to experience loss.

Having faced loss quite early on in my life, I had developed a strong resistance to it. Loss of any kind triggered an intense emotional reaction within me leaving me questioning my sense of belonging, identity and purpose.

Like a warrior fighting against the forces of nature, I unconsciously adopted the following ways to self-protect:

• Pretend to feel nothing and remain completely numb
• Unconsciously lash out or withdraw from anything or anyone who tried to get close to me
• Play the victim who was constantly being battered and bruised by life
• Blame existence for being absolutely ruthless with me

Any guesses, who won?

Nearly two decades of this way of relating to myself left me feeling incredibly dejected, lonely and tired from tightly holding on to this so-called protective armour against loss.

The intention was for the protective armour to save me from the experience of pain- which is, truth be told, ultimately fear of my own mortality. But it had proved to be worthless.

So, one day, I stopped.
I looked around.
And undressed.

This time, the armour lying on the floor, next to me.
Raw, exposed and vulnerable.

I waited for the pain to wash all over me.
I waited for death to come to get me.

And sure enough, it came.

As a sweet release from death itself.

Don’t get me wrong, I experienced intense emotional upheaval — I recognise now that the intensity was due to years of suppression. There is no denying that I experienced emotional and physical pain, but not in the way my mind had imagined. The pain I experienced was that of all my senses finally coming alive to breathe through the rainbow of emotions rightfully held within a human body. Remaining present to the feelings allowed the incessant mind chatter to quieten down as there was no room for any more stories. And for the first time, my heart was willing to stay open to experience all of existence — the light and the dark.

And the greatest gift of all?

The darkness seeking just an acknowledgement from my heart.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go, everything will be.

And so here we are,

3 reasons why loss is an inevitable experience in our lives

1. Life and death co-exist — When there is light, there is life and creation. When there is dark, then there is death and transformation. Life and death, two sides of the same coin. With this understanding, how can loss be any separate to the celebration of life? Still doubtful? Answer this, would there be an inhale if there was no exhale?
2. Balance the egoic mind — As much as we need an egoic identity to survive in the world that we live in, loss reminds us with utmost humility and grace that even the ego will eventually find itself six feet under, right where it came from.
3. Transitional existence — The nature of our life is transitional, I cannot imagine celebrating life if it wasn’t. And so, with each transitional state of being, comes a need to honour not only the next phase of being but to acknowledge the loss/ending of what once was.

How does this call you to find empowering ways to relate to the experience of loss in your life?